The Erkinshires

Here is an example of my writing from this term. I am proud of this because I tried really hard with it. There is success criteria at the bottom and I filled in what I thought I had achieved as part of self reflection. I also conferenced with my teacher and she gave me editing and feedback advice. One thing I would improve would my detail because I don't feel I added enough explanation about the senses within my writing.

Thanks for sharing in my learning, I would really like your feedback.

Chapter ?

“Hey! Come back here!” yelled a hawkeye. The brother and sisters were running for their lives with classified information on their enemies. There was Torch the eldest, Hazel a quadruplet, and the youngest Rocky. Torch had brown hair and was quite tall, she was 23. Hazel and Rocky were blond haired, Hazel was 17 and average height and Rocky was 15 and almost taller than his sister.Hazel looked behind herself and saw that there was no-one behind them. “Hey guys!” panted Hazel. “They’re gone.” The siblings gave off a sigh of relief. Suddenly Rocky realised they were in a forest, he told the others. Hazel realised she was tasting blood and told Torch. Torch looked in her mouth.“This isn’t good Hazel” said Torch. Hazel had bitten her tongue badly and it was bleeding crazily. Rocky saw tonnes of blood dripping on the floor. He fetched a leaf he had read about in class, and asked Hazel to put it in her mouth. It stopped the bleeding. “What was that?” asked Hazel. “A healing-tree leaf” replied Rocky.

They decided on Torch collecting firewood as it was getting dark. The moon was glowing brightly to show itself, but the second moon was hidden by some tree’s. Now these were not ordinary kids. Torch had the power of FIRE inside of her. Hazel was a WATER ELEMENTAL as were the other 3 quads. But Rocky was different. He had the power of EARTH in his grasps. When Torch got back she lit the fire with her bare hands. The other two found that perfectly normal. Torch said she was going to look for more firewood. Rocky made a see-through shield around them (made of specks of dust and dirt) so they could rest.  “Today was EXHAUSTING!” said Hazel. Rocky agreed. Suddenly they heard a snap of twigs. Someone was spying on them.

Rocky had heard it first, he woke up Hazel and told her what he heard. Then they had an idea. Back through the tree’s the Hawkeye was spying on the Erkinshires. He was sure they had heard him stand on that damn twig. He looked at his watch, 12:00 am it read. Midnight. He saw the little boy point towards his direction. Luckily the sister just fell asleep and so did he. Later he heard them discussing the secrets of the Erkinshires. It was the jackpot!  The siblings were making up fake secrets so the Hawkeye would receive false information on them. The perfect plan.Then all of a sudden he ran off. The plan had worked. At 4:00 am Torch came back, and they told her what had happened. “Well guess what I found.” said Torch. “The ship!” she answered. They were saved! They laughed about the false information all the way home.

THE END

S.C :

Hook:           3/3

Third person:         3/3

Interesting words:       3/3

detail:             2/3

total: 11/12